But illusions of the sky,

something deeper than i desired but

i really had no idea why.

There was nothing in my heart

but bitterness and dread

and the confusion when i wondered

why you chose her instead

But there are times like these in the darkness

Or the smell of alcohol

when i have the time to think when i’m

alone in my dorm hall

Ha - i resort to the cheapness of the rhyme

and the rhythm of my mood

Am I a good person who does bad things,

Or a bad person who does good?

Nevermind, nevermind, I am neither here nor there

That’s the makeup of my person

And the length of my (brown) hair

Artificial coloring, down into the skin

And I will never know why

Or how I let you win.

But that’s the nature of this earth, that’s the beauty of the sin,

That’s the tear in every eye

And the trash in every bin - but

Let me remind you, let me reward you,

With a shot in every glass

As you shake your cheap (shh)

And sell yourself

Sell your soul

Sell everything you’ve ever loved and owned

To the world, because

You don’t believe you’re good enough or

Smart enough or

Strong enough or

Pretty enough or

Skinny enough or

Funny enough or

Enough,

At all,

For anybody and anyone

You’ve ever loved, hated, or forced yourself

To ignore.”

It’s pretty terrible and the rhymes are too obvious (andnotsubtleenoughbut) but here you are, and there I am. I don’t even know if I’m being honest or if the words are just coming out of me without a thought.

11:54 pm

Alignment/Two Ships by Charlie Bommarito is beautiful. Note to self, must remember. Exquisite, reminiscent, or the soundtracks by Dario Marinelli (my effort to sound more cultured, less bourgeoisie) but FORREAL, i will should take advantage of the fact that I have the room to myself and fall asleep to this like I used to back home.

Speaking of which… I have an inexplicable desire to be home right now. I don’t know. Just in my own bed. Away from everyone here and all the stress I’ve compiled. I’m an idiot and a fool. How have I managed tog et myself into this mess?

12:00 am

HAPPY March 2nd. Why o why idid I put makeup on today>? I LITERALLY saw no one. I have never not seen a single person in a day before, but here it is, and on a beautiful day too. I literally wasted today, and I am a failure, a nincompoop, outrageously moronic, and I can’t believe it. But i have to live with myself and no one can see how falwla FLAWED* and ugly i am but me.

12:01 am

MUST remember Anything You Synthesize by the American Dollar. Beautiful as well. Seeping into my pores. Closing my eyes, and when I do all I see are cherry blossoms falling from the branches, an elusive dream I can never attain, something so soft, and beautiful, and lovely, full of happiness, and unattainable. Just closing my eyes.

12:06 am

HAHA dont know fif it’s just cos i’m tipsy or if those girls just talked too (shh) fast but in the (SHH) harry potter fans NEVER say video, those actresses were just. i could not understand a signnlge SINGLE* word. silly. probably funny tho?i wouldn’t know, they were speaking in pekingese

12:21 am

Why is there so much hate in the world? Why do some people find the need to latch onto small things that displease them and attack said things with either their stupidity, anger, ferociousness, or immaturity? Why are people so negative and mean? There is abossolutley no need to be. I just saw a girl I knew in middle school publicly harrassed on facebook. This guy in her class I presume just said hateful things towards her. I’m impressed he used proper grammar, but it was just so… unnecessary and mean. What’s the point? Isn’t there enough hatred in our own hearts? Why must we spread the hate? Why can’t we cultivate goodness instead? Please, my heart is hurting and the world is looking mighty ugly right now.

12:25 am

Following up on that. My middle school friend’s boyfriend helped fight for her. Sure, she didn’t need it. And sure, I don’t need anyone fighting my battles either. But it’s nice to know someone cares. It would be nice for a guy to like/love me enough for who I am to want to protect me and stand up for me. I’ve always had to fight my own battles. I had no older sister back in my sophomore year that I could confide in about my self-harm, or when my friend had her big sister fight ME for something she did against me. I fight my own battles and I’m quite alone. I can do it. But I wish I didnd’t have to.

12:33 am

GOOD one, why must his ghost haunt me wherever i go?? i’m done here!! but why, why, am i being haunted even when my mind isn’t thinking about what went down?! shooooot that was so unnecessary. i would drin k another except i have now acquired something called self-control.

12:44 am

MEHHH really need to have sex. this is redic. stuck ebtwenn the red and the blue line and nowehre near the net. all right doe. super honest or super idgaf? you pick.